In my last post, I talked about how death brings a certain passionate tenacity to experience and enjoy the depths of life. For the ones that death leaves behind, to continue living, there’s a startling reality amidst every moment of every day, that it could be the last. If your brain tires of protecting you, your mind wanders back to visions of your loved one on their deathbed, forcing their last powerless breaths in and out, reaching stronger towards a powerfully better place. In those visions a lurking voice whispers of the truth in your ear. “It’s all gone one day.” On a day completely unknown to us, completely out of our control. “It’s all gone within seconds.” Full of life in one breath, lifeless in the next breath. They’re the revelations that come “from looking death square in the face, from being a front-seat witness to the spirit taking its last breath in its human vessel and vanishing just a split second later leaving the body cold and lifeless, from not being able to turn away from this blunt boldfaced reality that we all do leave this Earth”. Those whispers are guidance, sometimes even unwanted scolding, that force you to stop and think, if not also force you to action.

Part of those whispers are motivational. In my reflections from losing my mom, I spoke of this new “joy” and “enthusiasm” within me that not only carries me, but uplifts me, through my journey. How I find myself more effortlessly getting the dessert at dinner, more celebratory of the little things, more encouraged to try the novel hobby. I didn’t, however, speak of the other less innocent face of those whispers - part of them are skeptical.

At times, the notions of “life doesn’t last forever” take a turn from inciting optimism to inciting doubt. The whispers shift from “Do the thing!” to “Are you doing the right thing?”. They put into question your priorities and your decisions. Everything from “Should I be spending 8 hours, one-third, of every day, working somewhere I don’t love?” to “Am I maximizing my time with my loved ones?” to “Could I be using my money better to enjoy for now, instead of saving for later?”. When you see death up close, you realize how close it is to you. How you could be next. I don’t mean literally Thanatophobia, the psychological fear of dying, that might lead you to question if you’ll die walking across the street or if you’ll die leaving your house in a thunderstorm. The whispers don’t necessarily bring a fear of death itself. It’s actually the opposite - a straightforward acceptance of death that, rather, brings a fear of living. Living the right way. Living the optimal way. Not only because you know you will die, but because you know from the suffering that death brings, that at some time in your path of life there will be pain. And until pain comes, again, you want to experience and enjoy the greatest amount of pleasure humanly possible. You have an innate desire to prioritize and maximize your utility of happiness to a level that is the most advantageous, most ideal, for every second of the limited amount of time that you have before the next pain, and before your next life.

This skepticism can create a better life. It can draw light to inefficiencies in your daily living that weren’t providing joy or that were limiting your potential of joy and spark the measures needed to swap out the bads and mediocres with greater goods, giving more to your vitality. But it can also be harmful. It can prove to be an overly cynical view at times, bringing uncertainty to the certain. It can cause undue anxiety and angst over pieces that are placed just as they should be in the bigger puzzle of your life. I feel often that I should be doing everything in my power at all times to experience and enjoy the depths of life, all of the time. And when I can’t, I feel anger and annoyance that I’m not taking advantage of the positive potential of every moment. So when I’m upset, I get even more upset. “Why are you still spending almost half your day working, instead of living to the fullest?”, “Why aren’t you spending more time with family, more time traveling, more time pursuing your passions?” - “Would you be happier?”. The rethinking, reanalyzing, reassessing, drains not only your mental fortitude but your fortitude to be in the present, enjoy the present, and be appreciative of the present. You lose your gratitude for your current state, when you’re constantly thinking about how the current state could be better, more optimal. You lose your love for your life when you manifest “Would I be happier?”, rather than “How happy am I?”.

Surrender all actions to me,
And fix your reason on your inner self;
Without hope or possessiveness,
Your fever subdued, fight the battle! BG 3:30

Men who always follow my thought,
Trusting it without finding fault,
Are freed,
Even by their actions. BG 3:31

The Gita says, to lose the appreciative awareness for the exact position you are at in your journey, because you’re comparing yourself to the speculation of another journey, whether that’s the fantasy of your own or the envy of someone else’s, is a lack of trust in your own story and the author of your story. It’s a disservice to the beautiful intentionality of your life, the beautiful uniqueness of your soul; to find fault and to hope to stray from that specific story is a shame, as there’s so much beauty in the reason behind exactly how you’re living and what you’re living for. Even though you can’t always see the reason, God asks you to try to trust that reason he created so precisely for you and your purpose.

The verse says you should think, act, and behave with faith. Whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you are doing - you are, because you are meant to be. Surrender your thoughts about your actions, your actions themselves, and the results of those actions. Let go of the desire you have to act perfectly, to pursue and perform the perfect life. Free your mind by accepting each action for the underlying benefit that it will have for your inner self, the growth that it will bring for your soul. Even though you didn’t smile or laugh or enjoy as much when you were upset, you may have learned something new about yourself, your life, or your faith, that was far more important for your entire journey, not just this finite one. Zoom out from your focus on this specific life to a wide-angle view of your many, many lives. A maximization of happiness for your spirit is far more significant, as it’s long-lasting and eternal, than a maximization of happiness for your life, your temporary body. Surrender to your life today, for the satisfaction of your soul forever.

So, when those whispers come, invite them in to inspire the joy and enthusiasm, while restraining them to inspire the skepticism and doubt. Balancing wanting more for your life tomorrow with seeing more in what your life already is today. I’ll challenge myself to make sure I have an instinctual pulse on my priorities and to make improvements where I can and should to live fuller. But, I also won’t overly interrogate my place in the world today and write off that I’m not living fully, as I am. When I start to think, “should I quit my job?”, I’ll tell myself I have people left to impact and to be impacted by, at work and as a result of the work I do. When I ponder “should I be spending more time with my friends and family?”, I’ll remember that each of us growing individually is just as important as us growing together. When I stumble upon the thought “could I be learning more traveling the world?”, I’ll remind myself what I would learn diving deep into a sea of new culture, cuisine, and scenery, may not be as abundant or as transformative as what I’m learning diving deep into a sea of grief, right here, right now.

Knowing what I know about the reality of life and death, I should recall and rejoice in the fact that this point in time, today, won’t come again. Tomorrow I’ll be at the next step, a different step, in my journey. And one step closer to it concluding. That temporariness, that finality, should result in a casting away of any skeptical thinking and doubtful questioning. And a calling to submerging myself into this very minute - into optimistically receiving and respecting this monumental moment for the essential part it plays in the rise of my soul.

Surrender to your story, just as it is.

Have patience in your purpose, just as it is.

Love your life, just as it is.